Follow these easy, step-by-step instructions in order to break a Guinness World Record on behalf of a charitable cause:
1. Talk about something that you’ve always wanted to do with your family while they are visiting during Thanksgiving.
2. Be challenged by your superior, or boss, to “Suck Less” in a private place like the Internet.
3. Accept said challenge using a classic quote, like this one I used from Ask a Ninja: “Sir, the gauntlet has been thrown. The gauntlet has been picked up. Now prepare for me to bludgeon you over the head with the gauntlet.”
4. Brace self for witty retort.
5. Get a glass of milk, then write a 3-month crash training plan.
* Note: Make sure that you know as little as possible about the feat that you are about to attempt, recalling that surprises are the spice of life. Also recall, only Communists stick to 3-Month Plans, so be sure to throw it out, you Capitalist pig.
6. With bureaucratically savvy compatriot (Dan Deitrick), write a proposal claiming that you can deliver multiple things you aren’t strictly certain you can.
7. Listen to either “Remember the Name” by Fort Minor, “Til I Collapse” by Eminem, “I will not Bow” by Breaking Benjamin, or “It’s all about the Pentiums” by Weird Al before every workout, and watch some moto Youtube videos every night before bed. (I recommend the “how bad do you want it” series)
8. Twist ankle in as inglorious a manner as possible, like tripping and falling over a nearly invisible object like a massive concrete curb.
9. Make full recovery, and learn your lesson about remaining healthy during this important period of training.
10. Dislocate toe in unfortunate schmelting accident.
11. Have the props you need (bomb suits) to even attempt the records taken away for silly bureaucratic reasons.
12. Ensure you have an ass-kicking, name-taking perma-optimist (Grant Adkins) who is insane enough to believe he can pull a bomb suit out of his ass.
13. Gird your loins as you witness said ‘pulling’ out of said ‘ass,’ with only 24 hours to spare.
14. Get pinned as an Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technician.
15. Get fired up by friends (Brendan Danner, Joseph Grim, and Jeffrey Thomas).
16. Run like hell alongside your broskis. (Jered and Craig Smith, Greg Gerard, J.J. Thomas) Make sure you listen to their advice for you to run faster.
*Note 2: Never turn down the opportunity to make a speech. I’ve found that the half-delirious state after blacking out puts me in the perfect state of mind to speak in front of friends, family, family friends, and Commanding Officers. Throw up that Hail Mary and pray you don’t say something stupid.
17. Report to Ft. Benning for Army Airborne training.
I figured this would be a more interesting manner of telling our story. I can hardly believe that we pulled it off, but we did. From the beginning, this was a team effort, and the only reason it succeeded is because 11-36o-N had the faith. Faith that we could get [at least passive] approval, faith that we could raise money, faith that I could run hard and fast. None of it would have happened if it wasn’t for brothers (and our one sister) of strong faith in one another. The idea wouldn’t have gone anywhere if it weren’t for someone willing to throw the gauntlet, or others in convincing me I was right to have picked it up. The whole event would have folded if people didn’t believe, in themselves, in me, but most importantly – if people didn’t believe that this was a cause worth fighting for. 28 February will always stand in my memory as a day on which Determination reigned supreme.
To the Wounded Warriors that are battling on the long road to recovery, we have not forgotten your sacrifice. We have given great effort in support of it. We have worked to honor it.
… And we work still …
